I'mbbbb sick :(

Ok apparently every actor smokes. Its like a prerequisite to joining the screen actors guild. I'm not talking a fashionable puff here and there. Its more like CUT........ inhale pack....... ACTION.......CUT....... inhale second pack......... etc. Now I know why their all emmaciated. They don't eat, they smoke. I was particullarly disapointed with Christina Ricci. She's been one of my favorite actresses ever since casper the friendly ghost. We have so much in common. We both are 5'2, named Christina, and have round faces. The only difference is Christina Ricci smokes like cigarettes are free and she's kissed Johny Depp.

I'm so low on laundry that I wore my varsity field hockey jersey to class today. I wonder if anyone even knows what field hockey is out here on the west coast. My shins sure know what field hockey is. I have permanent bumps on my shins from being wacked at for 4 years. Those field hockey girls are brutal.

People despise me because I'm a martyr without a cause.

I have a farmers tan. I can feel the hick seeping into my skin.

So I've got a question for you all. Lets just say you happen to be in a place where you witness a petty crime. No one is being injured. Its a robbery.

A)Do you walk past and say "that'll suck when that guy finds out his _____ is missing."

B)Wish you could stop the robbery but wonder if maybe you shouldn't be a tattle tale.

C)Call the police and help them catch the robber.

D) Figure the theif probably needs that ______ more than the guy he's steeling from I'll leave him alone.

Making a sandwich is an art. If you don't put at least an inch of marshmallow fluff on there to balance out the sticky peanut butter then you've spread yourself to thin. Thats how I feel right now. I'm dabbling in a little of everything and its sticking to the roof of my mouth.

Another roomate ran screaming from the Barany/Ryan household. I got home from school, and MY FIRST REAL LIVE FREELANCE PHOTO JOB, to find Jon was gone. His closet was empty except for a lonely can of axe deoderant spray. I know its a failed relationship, not Nicole or I, that caused him to run but still I can't help but wonder why Nicole and I can't keep a roomate. Good luck Jon. Hope you have a better life without her.

Buy a map of the world, a cork board and some of those sewing pins that have colored balls on the end of them. Tack the map up to the cork board and put the pins in all the cities you've spent time in. Close your eyes and run your fingertips over the little bumps that make up your world. Its like heaven on earth.

Give your parents a huge hug if you can and tell them you love them. I'm jealous of all you who can spend weekends or holidays or everyday at home. I didn't realize how much I missed having a family until yesterday. For the first time in 3 years I was surrounded by a huge family group, not my own, but a large family. I went to my youth pastors bbq after church where extended family and children abounded. I fought back tears the entire time remembering what it was like to be surronded by parents and brothers and grandparents, cousins and long time friends just shooting the breeze and loving each other.
I have no desire to start my own family but I sure do miss the one I already belong to. I haven't really lived with my family since I was in the 8th grade (boarding school) and its strange how all my friends are fighting to grow up and I'm fighting time wishing I could go in reverse. I sympathize with Micheal Jackson minus the lusting after children part. But neverland Ranch sounds good. I wish I could wake up in the room I shared with my little brother and laugh at my mom as she sits outside watching birds at dawn. I wish I was still a member of the mountain goat club Dad, Mark and I formed when we were 5 and 6.
I'm happy with who I am. I'm not scared to be alone. But something inside me is craving to belong again.

It's a catch 22. In my ignorance I'm begging God for Wisdom.

Today began as a shallow day. Ever have one of those? My journalism advisor asked us if we thought the school should do more to celebrate Ceaser Chavez day. I realized I had not idea who Ceaser Chavez was and I couldn't care less. The man has his own holiday for petes sake and I can't remember hearing his name before. So I politely asked who he was to sound intrested even though I didn't care. The day continued like that. I averted any deep meaningful questions or ideas prefering to think of snuggly teddy bears and counting crows. All day until I drove home from the gym and couldn't find any parking at midnight. So I sat in my car and wrote for a while. Thats when I realized I want wisdom more than anything. Maybe I just got fed up with my lack there of that I went to the other extreme but I really really really want to understand ......... everything...... I know its very ignorant to pray for wisdom. In the Bible it was an overwhelming burden for those whom God actually gave wisdom. Why am I begging for that? If I gained wisdom I'm sure I'd see the depravity of this world to a crushing extreme. ...........eeeeeehhhhhh but its so tempting too. I just don't want to struggle with my feeble mind anymore.

Tug o' War

Rock climbing was not invented for short weak people. Sometimes you just can't reach any farther cause you're short and well its a physical impossibility. And somtimes you can't reach any further because you have scrawny arms muscles and if you let go of your precious grip you'd fall. I sure love repelling though. Just strap in and fly down the cliffside. Those are good times.