At home somewhere in this world

Take a look in the Mirror

2008-02-15T21:35:00.001-08:00

James 1:22-25

"Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what is says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it-he will be blessed in what he does."

I need to take a good hard look in the mirror.

My little Bro

2008-02-12T20:04:00.000-08:00

So I have to say my little brother is one of the coolest people I know. It may be dorky that I like hanging out with someone 10 years my junior but I don't care. No matter how much he annoys me with his appathy or teenage angst when he starts to sing with me in the car he is one of the funnest people to be around.

We went to go see the dinner play Tony and Tina's wedding tonight. And just like when I used to hang out with my older bro we got the obligatory, "what a cute couple!" To make us feel queasy. Seriously do I look that young? Cause right after that one of the actors came over to our table and said why is the twelve year old the only one drinking while pointing at me. Some day I'll graduate from never never land and sit at the grown up table.

Vegetarian?

2008-01-29T20:53:00.000-08:00

Following my conscience isn't always fun. I was telling a friend tonight how I'm trying to be a vegetarian to which he replied, "do you eat chocolate?" Well yes I eat chocolate. I love chocolate, in fact I photographed a chocolate tree today and wanted to eat the entire thing. He then tells me that its estimated that as much as 40% of the world chocolate is a product of slavery. Can we say ignorance is bliss! Now I can't eat chocolate either, cruel world.

It gets me wondering how much is the right balance of right and wrong. I could boycott every little pleasure in my life and follow my conscience to a T or I could be luke warm and push the guilt to the back of my mind until its good and burried.

Wish I was a poet

2008-01-27T17:57:00.001-08:00

Putting down roots has killed my core.

I was made of scorpions on skewers, and mornings where my naked skin stuck sweaty to the sheets.

I was red clay caked to my fraying jeans and crumbling coral allies reeking of cat piss and curry.

I need yak butter tea and burqas to breath.

quarter century

2006-10-17T23:35:00.000-07:00

I didn't feel too old until my Dad said well now you've been alive for a quarter of a century. My little brother followed with yeah thats like a third of your life!

Good bye dear sweet quarter century!

I'm a homeless carless graduate!

2006-09-13T14:53:00.000-07:00

I think transition best describes this point in life. I now have a bachleors degree but the trade off is I no longer have an apartment or a working car. As a graduation gift my engine decided to die in the middle of traffic at LAX aiport. While my parents and brother waited for me at terminal 4 two lovely bike cops helped push me out of traffic and to the side of the road. The bright side is there is no better place to rent a car than LAX aiport.

I was planning to drive to Texas to live with my family right after graduation instead I'm sleeping on Grandma's couch in Cali waiting for a phonecall to say my car has risen from the dead. On the bright side I have had an extended length of time to say goodbye to all my friends on the other side I have had an extended length of time to sit on my butt and wait. Funny how much can change in two weeks. It reminds me of a brilliant poet who once said.

"This is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down. Now I'd like to take a minute just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air (or in my case Grandma's couch)."

HOT

2006-07-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

My apartment was so unbearably sticky hot today that I just took a cold bath. It was the perfect shock out of my heat induced coma. I have loved living alone in this apartment, but I'm glad I'm moving out. My next place will have to have air-conditioning.

Cash

2006-07-22T04:41:00.000-07:00

I can think of two good reasons not to carry wads of cash around with you.

One-in a stick up situation the robber only makes off with your laundry quarters
Two-your cash falls out of your wallet on main street and I go home $200 richer

wooooooo hooooooo I found $200 on the sidewalk last night. The best part is there was no one around to ask if they were missing some money so I don't feel guilty about taking the cash home.

Is bread mold edible?

2006-07-19T22:55:00.000-07:00

I was a quarter of the way through eating a sandwich this afternoon when I tasted something funny. I looked down and noticed a forest green fuzzy patch on my bread. After I spit out the bite I was chewing, brushed my teeth several times, and drank a bottle of listerene the African kid in me kicked in. I started wondering "well couldn't I just throw away the bread and save the meat? or I could cut around the moldy part and eat the rest.... after all I already ate a quarter of the sandwich if the mold is going to kill me I'm already a gonner. Does the 10 second rule apply to moldy bread?" I wrestled with my deepseeded fear of wasting food for about a minute and eventually threw away the entire sandwich and the bag of leftover bread. It was a freeing experience, but I had to throw away my trash for fear that I might try to eat it tomorrow. Ok not really that would be really gross. I would never eat a day old, warm, moldy, trashcan sandwich.... unless of course I was out of potatoe chips.

Ethiopian dancing

2006-03-22T20:10:00.000-08:00

I can still smell the ethiopian food on my hands even after the handi wipes and the washing, and rewashing. Those are some strong spices. On a quest to become more involved with my life I went out tonight. I truly had dinner, laughed and watched Ethipian dancing with a couple highschool friends. I almost wrote " old high school buddies" but then thought that would make me old... and I'm not ready to start saying my old _________ yet. Living is about roasting coffee beans until the smoke is so thick you can see it swirling around every light bulb, njera thats as pleasurable to touch as taste, and dancers whose sholders move independently from the rest of their bodies.

smile for me daddy

2006-03-06T19:37:00.000-08:00

Doesn't anyone else out there think those platinum diamond encrusted teeth are just plain scary? I feel like they belong in horror movies next to the guy with the metal spikes sticking out of his skull.

"Why Grandma what hard and shiny teeth you have." "All the better to eat you with my dear....." Oh man I'm so going to have blinging nightmares tonight.

On another note the card I gave the photo editor was blank. Thank goodness!

Lastly I LOVE my ipod. I got an ipod yesterday and listened to it while I worked out today, and then while I walked to the metro, and then on my ride home, and I seriously wanted to just bust out and dance in the street. Commuting is so much more exciting when Justin Timberlake wants to rock your body.

Such an idiot

2006-02-23T20:23:00.000-08:00

I got into bed tonight and looked over at my nightstand where I saw the Thank You note that I wrote for the National Geographic Photo editor that I met with last Friday. The scary part is I already gave a card to the photo editor on Monday. Which means that I have no idea what I handed her. A blank card? An empty evelope? My Grandma's Birthday card? I don't know. What a great way to make a first impression. Now I get to go back to her office and say by the way here is the card I meant to give you. I'm such an idiot.... such an idiot.... such an idiot.

2006-02-12T19:03:00.000-08:00

I regret having made fun of workoholics in the past. Apparently I too have a better life at work than I do on my free time. I've been coming home from work at 7:00pm and going to the National Geographic Functions on the weekend making me a bonofide loser. I just straight up love what I'm doing, and there is a gym so I get to go there after my real work is done. Who wouldn't want to hang around and look at great travel pictures, and talk to global nomads. Its not all glamorous. I do have to ship packages, and enter data, but my coworkers have great shared itunes libraries to cover that. I'm so happy I decided to switch schools and majors. Photojournalism rocks.

Praise the Lord it snowed last night. I was starting to think I might leave DC without experiencing a single day of snow. But happily I awoke at 6:30 this morning trudged outside and used my arms as windshield wipers to sweep about 8 inches of snow off my car. After attending a travel writers seminar at the NG building... (I told you I live at work) I photographed the White House in the white snow. It was fun, for today. But for the sake of the flowers that started blooming early, and the leaves starting to bud on the trees maybe we should return to the balmy winter days I've been enjoying. For the sake of the plants that is.

I have an office

2006-01-10T20:36:00.000-08:00

If you've spent more than 5 minutes talking to me you've probably heard me say, "I could never work in an office." Now I'm so freaking happy working in an office that I walked the streets of DC smiling this evening. In fact I was so smiley a homeless man gave me a hug, and they don't even pay me! This is like a photogs dream being inside the staff meeting where I learned what they're looking for in their new cover images. I'm a happy little photographer/student/intern/editor (with an office).

Little things that made me laugh

2006-01-06T18:08:00.000-08:00

Its been a long time since I've lived in a house with little ones. I'm staying at my Aunt and Uncle's before my internship starts (ON THE 9TH!) and with my little cousins Eliza and Magdalena. They are the inspiration for the three things that made me laugh today. First Magda started unsnapping her mothers shirt to which Anna Maria promptly replied "It is not polite to remove other people's clothing." If only everyone's mother had taught them this simple lesson. Second Anna Maria shared with me what a confidence booster potty training is for a mother. She told me I celebrate when they go to the bathroom and soon they started clapping whenever I pee. "yea Mommy you went pee." She said, "I feel great all I have to do is eat and go to the bathroom and I have a cheering section." Thirdly Magda had the flu today. She puked 3 times and went through exactly three sets of clothes blankets and baths. She fell asleep on a chair with her adorable little head in a trash bucket just in case. After all this she still insisted on eating a pear for dinner. She sat at the dinner table with the rest of us, but inbetween bites she leaned over her little trash bucket waiting to see what would come up. You can't help but laugh when you're trying to carry on a conversation about Christian values, and eat your soup while the little girl next to you is alternately eating and leaning over a bucket, eating and leaning. Pears don't smell as fruity the second time around.

There is a flag on that coffin

2006-01-01T07:44:00.000-08:00

There is nothing like a flag on a coffin to jolt you right back into reality. Yesterday when I left the bank in Harrisonburg VA I was stopped at an intersection while a funeral procession rolled by. For someone who tends to glaze right over the newest Iraqi war statistics in the news something in me woke up when I saw the flag laying over the coffin as it passed by. I watched the faces in each of the following cars as though the slow pace of the procession was a slow motion glance into each of their windows. A grey haired old lady curled and makeuped to the hilt, a 14 year old girl with a brown ponytail staring stoicly forward, a portly middleaged couple in a blue clunker, a five year-old boy turned around on his knees in his seat, aware that everyone is watching but not quite sure why. So these are the faces affected by war I thought. On later reflection I can't honestly say the person under the flag fought in either of the Iraq wars, the Vietnam war, or world war II. But whoever it was certainly brought liberation to my mind. Liberation from the ties of apathy.

A change of plans

2005-12-16T22:19:00.000-08:00

As it turns out I won't be going to Virginia. I got offered an internship in Washington DC. I've been working so hard for this and, Thank you Lord, it actually came true.

finals

2005-12-12T21:08:00.000-08:00

Why, on the eve of my final documentary production, do I feel the need to do everything but edit my film. Its been a long time since I posted and blogging seems a good enough distraction from my real work.

This years been full of traveling and it ends with me spending the New Year in Virginia. I'll be bouncing between there and West Virginia for two months batteling blizzards, snake handelers, and the appalachian mountains all in an effort to make great images. Appalachian life... most of us think of banjo mountain music, and hillbillys. I'm looking for something more. Whats life really like in some of the most remote terrain in America?

Oh and check out the new website I built for my church Encounter

spam

2005-10-22T03:56:00.000-07:00

Dear blog spammers,
Please curl up and die!

You think if I click my ruby slippers together 3 times and say "there is no place like Zanzibar, theres no place like Zanzibar, theres no place like Zanzibar." that I'll be able to stay? Lifes never as simple as a movie. Time to pack it up and start eating with a fork again.

Happy Birthday

2005-10-17T02:41:00.000-07:00

I'm 24 years old. I can't believe thats almost a quarter century. I don't feel that old! The question is what to do today. I asked the friends that I'm staying with if there is anything to do in Zanzibar that I haven't done already. I was thinking a movie theatre, or bowling, I don't know what. But there is nothing. Especially during Ramadan. Everything is closed. I thought of doing something touristy like scuba diving, but I guess the quran forbids swimming while you're fasting because you might get water in your mouth. So my friends won't swim with me or scuba dive with me. Now I'm thinking of going to the Jozani forest to see the monkeys. I like monkeys.

Futari

2005-10-11T03:07:00.000-07:00

Futari is the word for the food you eat to break your fast at the end of the day during Ramadan. I'm not very good at fasting. You see you're supposed to wake up at 4:00am to eat breakfast and pray. I've only managed to do that once. So by the time afternoon rolls around and the sun is at its hottest I need water at least! Everyone in the family that I'm staying with seems to get a kick out of the fact that I have to drink. They're always asking me if I'm fasting. When I say yes they say even water? And then laugh at me when I say no. Supposedly no good muslim gets hungry or thirsty during Ramadan. As one man told me "its quite a miracle. We're never hungry."

At the end of the day I enjoy the Futari. We all sit in a circle around the different plates of food on a mat on the ground. Men on one mat women on another. We wash our hands and then eat with our fingers. We eat rice with fish sauce, sweet bannanas cooked with coconut, sugar, and spices, potatoes with beef masala, and all sorts of deep fried cornmeal and potatoe goodies. Yesterday they even made spaghetti especially for me. I even got to eat with a fork! It really does feel good at the end of the day to fill up an empty stomache.

Ramadan

2005-10-05T00:03:00.000-07:00

The muslim Holy month of Ramadan started today here in Zanzibar. I'm now staying with a local family named the Awaths. They are a muslim family and are observing Ramadan. So I'm excited to get a first hand view of celebration. Mostly it means that muslims are fasting during the day and only eat after sunset and before sunrise. They also obstain from things they might normally be their vices like smoking, drinking, or for women dressing without a head covering. So its time to break out the long skirts and head coverings. I'm also praying for each of them during this time. I haven't quite made up my mind yet whether to fast with them while I'm praying for them. But if anyone else wants to be in prayer for my friends the Awaths I'm going to list their names so you can choose one of them and pray for them during Ramadan that they would come to know the true living God. Their names are Sakina, Fahmi, Mohamed, Mohamed, Mohymed, Cholo, Ipti, Amina, Josh, Tamima, Bighani, Suleem, and... I can't remember her name but she is Suleem's wife. There also two more brothers I can't remember the names of I'll add them to the list later.

I just came back from a 9 day stint on the east coast fishing village/ tourist haven called Jambiani. I think I came out with some great images of people harvesting seaweed. Life there revolves around the tide. When the tide is out You can see almost the entire village in the tide pools collecting something. It's either seaweed, clams, seaslugs, worms for fishing with, coconut husks for making rope, or fish. Everything has its use.

pass the baby and other games

2005-09-30T10:31:00.001-07:00

I came back to Stone town today in a Dala Dala. It was so full its more like a game of shuffle your buns and pass the baby. First the mama hands her baby to the person nearest the door. She climbs in the back of the truck hunches over walks to the back of the truck bed and sits down. Of course there are no seats left so she is sitting on someone else. This is where the shuffle your buns part comes in. You sit down wiggle back and forth and eventually your butt is wedged between to people. Once mama's butt is firmly wedged in. Its time to play pass the baby. Her baby gets haned down the aisle person by person until reunited with its mommy. Its a fun game. You should play sometime.

Elections

2005-09-25T03:38:00.000-07:00

Its election time next month in Tanzania. And happily the giant rallies for the two opposing presidential parties are being held outside my hotel! This is not Republican or Democratic national convention. This is screaming cheering, dancing, partying, drinking rallies. MMMMMMM I don't know what its going to be like but all morning I've been seeing trucks and buses and things brimming with people dressed in yellow and green or red and blue pouring out of the city and to Jambiani the city where I'm staying. And when I say brimming I mean the people are sitting on top of the buses, and packed like sardines into the back of semi trucks. This is going to be a long loud and colorful night.

How Could They?

2005-09-23T02:05:00.000-07:00

The reason Zanzibar has haunted me for so many years is the slave fortress on prison island. I remember when I was 17 years old I swear I could hear people crying in the wind outside the beautiful ruin of the fortress. It was overun by trees growing form the walls and vines covering the past. Inside all those vines my friend Jen and I found an iron neck shackle a link to the ruins gahstly past. So you can see why my romantic visions of this place are what prompted me to come back this island and make photos of historic slave trade here. Now to the bad part.

This morning I had hired a boat to take me out to the island before dawn so I could photograph the fortress in the red morning light. We arrived on the island and to my surprise some freaking @#%^(&^*(%*& built a hotel on it. He "fixed" the fortress as the construction crew informed me. So I found the site of my dreams swallowed in concrete, painted some hideously bright orange and blue, and partioned into neat little rooms for tourists. I planned to spend the day on the island in stead I asked the boat driver to take me home and nearly cried.

Sunset

2005-09-22T00:07:00.000-07:00

I think this one speaks for itself.

Church

2005-09-18T01:19:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting time trying to get to church this morning. Selona who I met at the Sultan's palace the other day invited me to come to her church. She gave me directions and which dala dala's(public transport) to take and said she'd meet me where the dala dala drops off in Karyako. While I was walking to the market where the dala dala picks up I ran into the cab driver who brought me from the airport to my hotel. So I decided to take a private cab ride. Why not for $2. The problem is he dropped me off on the wrong side of the Karyako. So I waited where the dala dala's drop off until 8:20 when the service was supposed to have begun at 8:00. I realized Selona wasn't coming. So I wandered around the village asking people where the church was. Someone finally showed me where the Assemblies of God church was but told me their service started at 10am. Inside the assemblies of God church everyone who was there early huddeled around and tried to decide where the crazy white girl was trying to go and who would take me there. Finally a young man named Robert recognized the name of the pastor I kept repeating. And walked with me to Selona's church. Whiched happened to be as Robert described it "just a stone's throw away." Thank you Robert! When we got there it was about 8:40 and true to African time the 8:00am service was just starting. I caught the tail end of the pastor chastising everyone for being late. I knew I was in the right place because the pastor was speaking english, but Selona wasn't there. Before the service began I was invited to stand at the front of the church and tell everyone my name, where I'm from and if I was saved. When I said I was born again everyone cheered and clapped and shouted amen. It made me think this is what it must be like when the angels rejoice in heaven every time someone is saved. As the service was ending Selona walks in and sits next to me and said sorry I'm late. How did you find this place? Before I could answer her the pastor asked me to pray for the end of the service. No time to be shy I guess. As everyone was leaving and the Swahili service was beginning Selona gave me directions to find the dala dala home. No more taxi's for me. As the dala dala dropped me off about 5 minutes from my hotel it started to rain. I started laughing. It was only 9:40am what else lay in store for today.

The Palace and the Pilauf

2005-09-16T06:47:00.000-07:00

I'm having such a good time. I'm staying at the Florida guesthouse in Stonetown. Today I walked around and photographed the Sultan's palace that is now a sad sad museum. There are some priceless works of art in there and omani carpets that are rotting away in the humidity. But there is something to be said for the fact that they let you wander around unacommpanied. I spent hours taking pictures through the lattice work of the stairs. The intricate carving of the wooden furniture, doors, and windows is one of the things Zanzibar is famous for. When I see the detail I can't help but wonder how long it took men to make. Did someone sit there for years carving one ebony chair?

My new cell phone number is 0787155884 of course you have to dial 011. So you can contact me any time if you need to or just want to cause in Africa recieving calls is free! I met a christian lady today at the sultan's palace. She told me that her church has the only english service she knows of. Its real early in the morning but I'll probably give it a try. She's going to meet me at the Dala Dala (minibus) station her name is Selona. So that should be interesting. I also got to share some pilauf with an old man today who begged me to buy him some food. I felt bad for him because I'd just watched him get hit by a car. The roads here are very narrow. He got back up unscathed, but I realized when he was eating and trying to hold his spoon he has some sort of muscular disease. He was shaking and couldn't keep a grip on his spoon. I know I can't feed everyone who holds out their hand when I walk by but this man had tears in his eyes when he said thank you and I got to tell him Jesus loves him so that was the highlight of my day.

I'm itching like crazy though. I keep waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Jetlag I guess, but everytime I go from the mosquito net to the toilet and back I swear I get 10 new bites.

Airport

2005-09-13T03:24:00.000-07:00

It's finally over... the packing is done, the trash is safely stashed away in a landfill, my cat is being taken care of, I found a place to park my car. My poor father probably slept for 12 hours, and I'm in the Amsterdam airport with an 8 hour layover taking some time to reflect on the last week. The first thing that comes to mind is my Dad. I'm so proud of him. I saw that the tenderest, humblest, and most patient side of my father is winning the battle. My father is a wonderful example of how God has a plan for each of us and he is faithful to bring that plan to completion. I'm also thinking how strange it is that I can go so long without seeing my family but I still feel that same emptyness driving home from the airport with an empty passenger seat. I miss having a family. I miss you Dad. Thank you for loving me enough to spend 2 days lifting couches, and boxes for Lauren and I.

I started editing some of the pictures I took at Paul and Jamie's wedding while I was on the airplane. It seems like a whole other world already. Now I can check photographing a wedding off my list of 100 things to do before I die. I can also check dancing with my friends after the wedding off my list of rocking fun things to do on a Saturday night! What a beautiful Bride

Trash

2005-09-13T03:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't laughed so hard as when Lauren and I ran around our neighborhood at 2:30 am trying to fill up the empty space in our nieghbors trash cans with our own overflowing trash. Sure is good for a giggle.

Prayer

2005-08-28T23:04:00.000-07:00

In a discussion about prayer today someone brought up the fact that people are driven to prayer and to God when they are most desparate. Here in Ventura and in much of the United States too many of us see our selves as self sufficient. Too many of us are lulled by the comfort of our surroundings. As I watched the news about approaching hurricane Katrina tonight I saw people in desparation. In fact watching CNN in the course of about 2 hours I heard 3 people including the governer of Louisianna ask live on CNN for prayer. I don't want to see mass destruction or death. I don't want to see broken people, and shattered lives, but when we are weak he is made strong. When I pray for the people affected by Katrina. I pray that the Lord will lead them to him in their weakest moment.

Moving on out

2005-08-08T01:31:00.000-07:00

Its time to move out of my apartment in Ventura. My professional goal these last three years has been to work toward getting an internship with National Geographic Magazine. Portfolios are (at least last year) are due on Jan. 31. That gives me just about two school sessions or about 4 months to put together a portfolio I'm proud of. I've got 3 photo projects I want to shoot in depth in the next four months one of wich I've been dieing to shoot since I was 16 years old so you can imagine how excited I am to finally go and do it! I'll be traveling soon but I'll try and keep you all in touch here on my blog.

This comes at a time when I need to break out of my comfort zone. This apartment I have in Ventura is keeping me down because I've settled in. Painting the walls a color I love, hanging photographs that inspire me, and filling a bookshelves with books I've yet to read. All those things mean I'm no longer a nomad. My wordly posessions no longer fit into airplane regulation luggage. Its such a danger to feel at home here because I very well could build a home here and never live the life I was meant for. Oh that complacency he's sneaky fellow. He snuck up on me and now I have friends in Ventura, a church family I love, a cat, a tv, magazine subscriptions and the kind of couch you just sink into when you sit on it. But its time to get off my couch and realize my dreams.

God has mysterious timing. Just an hour ago I was sitting on the couch and I said to my roomate Lauren I think I'm definately going to move out in the beginning of September. She seemed a bit worried because until that point we hadn't made any definate plans, and she was still toying with the idea of looking for an apartment in Santa Barbara, when our living room ceiling started raining on us again for the 3rd time since we've lived in our Ventura apt. Our lovely neighbors upstairs apparently haven't learned from their previous do it yourself plumbing projects. As we placed a bucket under the trickle in our living room Lauren agreed, yes, it is time to move.

I was dreaming

2005-07-30T23:17:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up and walked down the hall to go take a shower and realized Lauren was already in there. So I crawled back into bed to sleep a little longer. As I dozed off a muddy sweaty football team made themselves at home in my livingroom drinking my water watching my tv and lining up to use my shower! One by one they used up all my clean towels and threw them allover the bathroom floor covered in mud. I kept telling them I had to go to my photo show, and I was going to be late if i couldn't get in my shower. It never occured to me to tell them to get out of my house and stop using my clean towels to wipe the mud off their shoes and everywhere else. Luckily when I woke up Lauren was done taking a shower or I might have walked in there and thrown her out in my anger over all the evil football players in my shower!

thought provoking book

2005-07-23T00:52:00.000-07:00

More than a month ago at the Spirit West Coast Christian concert series in Del Mar CA someone handed me a book. It was called revolution in world missions. It was free so naturally I thought it must be a bad book. But I kept it and 3 days ago when I was looking for something to read I pulled it off my bookshelf and started reading. After the many pages of recomendations and testimonies about how great the book was I was ready to give up but I kept reading. Around chapter 2 I realized the author was saying what I'd been afraid to say for some time. The furthering of God's kingdom is often better served by local missionaries than American ones. Thats not to say that I think all Americans are useless on the foriegn missions feild. But more often than not native missionaries don't get the respect they deserve, and I don't minister to my native people as they deserve. It all comes down to where God calls me to serve. I respect his call above all others, but I'm starting to feel that its not the smartest way to spend my money living as a missionary in place where there are already native Christians who can witness to their own people. I have new found respect for Missionaries I know like Jamie shattenberg who spent years in the jungles of Madagascar reaching the truly unreached learning unknown languages to share God's love. I also think of the Luke Johnson's family living in the Congo. They lived like the congolese people. Luke came to boarding school in faded pants and out of fashion hand me downs. Living on an American salary was foriegn to him even though he had an American passport. How can you afford to be materialistic when you're living to reach the poorest of the poor. Like the apostle Paul their family adopted the culture around them in order to minister to them. If God calls me to the foriegn mission field that is the type of missionary I want to be. Sharing in the gospel in a place where there are no native missionaries, and in a place where I can try to adapt to the people's lifestyle. Right now I know my mission field is Ventura and I have to stop ignoring the fact that many of my friends, neighbors and classmates don't have a relationship with Jesus.

It's been a long time

2005-06-06T21:56:00.000-07:00

This Michael Jackson situation is getting out of hand. At first I was a little upset that I wasn't going to be assigned to work at the courthouse for the verdict but what a blessing in disguise that I've been assigned to work in Los Olivos where Jackson's neverland ranch is. Things are crazy at the courthouse and I can see why. You've got hundreds of press photographers and videographers in tiny little pens trying to make pictures of a small group of fans and the few family members who may walk in and out of the courthouse. Its no wonder that they mob anything that moves to try and get the best shot possible. But its my personal opinion that they're acting ridiculous. Today I saw an image of Joe Jackson Michael's father covered in media so much so that he didn't even have a foot of personal space in front of himself to walk. In this image I counted 15 cameras within 6 feet of the poor man. Now this may be tolerated if this was the first time that Joe Jackson had ever shown up at this trial. But he has been at the Santa Maria Courthouse every day of this trial. There are thousands and thousands of images of Joe Jackson walking in and out of the courthouse. Why on this day did the press decide to mob him? They're restless they have nothing to shoot, and they're trying to outdue each other. Its not news that Joe Jackson showed up at the courthouse. The only news is that Press photographers have stupped to acting like the crazy mobs they're usually photographing in war torn countries. So all that to say I'm so thankful I'm working at Neverland Ranch, and the opportunity that it gives me to be humane to the people I'm photographing.

Europe

2005-05-06T02:55:00.000-07:00

I've never been a big fan of the European continent as a whole. I think the problem is that I'd always been to way over populated over touristed places. Rome, Paris, and London to name a few. But I finally figured out why so many people want to spend their backpacking trips and vacations in Europe. You have to find the out of the way cities. The real old world people and real European way of life. Don't get me wrong I realize there is a big difference between Bosnian and German culture but I'd much rather vacation in Sarajevo than Berlin any day. The cobblestone alley ways and the streetside coffee shops are where people actually live and eat. The open air markets are frequented by more Bosnians doing their shopping than tourists taking pictures. The same goes for Prague. I can finally taste the flavor of Europe and its sweet.

Beautiful Bosnia

2005-04-27T13:43:00.000-07:00

You can hardly tell there was a war here. Aside from the bullet holes and obvious patches in some buildings the Bosnia before me is a beautiful place. Here Muslims, Orthodox, Jews, and Christians are living side by side. It seems the only people who aren't gettinga fair shake at life here are the Roma. We've been to visit families and Roma camps where the children have never been to school and collect scrap metal for a living. It wouldn't be such a tragedy if I didn't see all around them the people of a growing thriving Bosnia. Pray for the Roma that we'll be taking to camp with us tomorrow for the week. I know God has great plans for the kids and I pray that they'll know the value they have as God's children, and that they get a chance to just be kids and enjoy the water balloons.

Wine and Women

2005-04-23T00:05:00.000-07:00

For anyone who has seen the movie Sideways the winemaker and restraunter in the movie (The Hitching Post) invited the photographers at the Micheal Jackson trial to his winery for a tour and tasting. I swear this guy (Gray) is the funnest craziest guy ever. To him wine is romance and most importantly each wine is a woman.

Just imagine keeping a straight face when you hear... "This one is my first kiss. Her name was Angie. It was third grade and like this wine she opened my eyes. Girls became more than little ponytails running around the playground." Or "This Pinot Noir is a ballerina she floats across your tongue and lingers there for minute gentle like a dancer."

I gotta get this guy on film. Next time I take a film class he's going to be my documentary project. Everyone raise your glasses to Gray and say cheers for wine and women.

ah sleep

2005-03-17T18:15:00.000-08:00

Last night I sank into bed and didn't wake up for 12 hours. Oh it feels good to sleep again. Today I payed my bills and shredded all my junk mail that'd been piling up. That felt gret too. So now I'm thinking if I spread out the time between my daily tasks it may make them more enjoyable. I could sleep every 2 days, pay my bills every 2 months and empty the trash every two weeks. I don't think my cat would be too happy if I fed her every other day though. Good gosh this was a lame entry. I tried my hardest to think of something to write that didn't include Michael Jackson but it was pretty much impossible. So here is my view on the media circus. It baffles me why men and women with masters degrees and more stand around outside the Santa Maria couthouse waiting for MJ to walk in wave and walk out and wave again. I'm doing it because I really need the money and the proffesional connections. Its an excuse I know but if I had well known name in the journalism world I'd put in for a different assignment. His fans stand outside and chide us "heck with the press Michael's the best" or "Fox news lies" and my personal favorite, "wearing pajamas is not a crime go report some real news." There are some real nut cases out there but that last chant rings true. Sensationalism in the news is fed by what I'm reporting and I'm not proud of that.

Blatant Bragging

2005-03-09T17:09:00.000-08:00

Click on Blatant bragging to see my photo in USA Today

I love MJ

2005-03-05T17:36:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Michael Jackson and the fact that he enjoys spending time with little children I got a job with Getty Images for the remainder of the Michael Jackson trial! Unlike my gig with Polaris Images Getty actually pays a day rate. Honestly I think Michael is innocent and I'm sorry the world finds this trial so enthralling, but starting a relationship with Getty is worth my waiting 7 hours a day for him to walk in and out of the Santa Maria Courthouse.

border sunset

2005-02-20T16:31:00.000-08:00

border sunset
Originally uploaded by ChrissyBarany.

What a difference a fence makes.

Snap

2005-02-16T14:50:00.000-08:00

I went out to Nogales two days ago to be part of our classes group portrait. We wanted to take a portrait next to the fence between Mexico and the US so we were walking up to the fence when we saw two people jump over. The man jumped back over the fence as soon as he saw us. The woman however was slumped over on the ground. When Ricardo and David ran over to see if she was ok and help her up she tried to stand up and her leg was broken at the ankle. They carried her to a neighboring house and waited for the ambulance that the neighbors had called. Border patrol also showed up at the same time the EMTs did. I learned something of value to anyone wanting to cross the border. Call the EMTs not border patrol when you are injured crossing the border because the border patrol doesn't want the cost of attending to you medically if the EMTs take the responsibility they'll take you to the emergency room fix you up and then set you free. The hospital doesn't ask questions as to your country of origin. Its all about money and politics out here.

quick draw

2005-02-10T11:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Brian Dave and I drove out along the border farther than I'd ever gone before. We drove along the fence for about 2 miles before it abruptly stopped. Its so strange that there is two miles of jagged steel fencing and then suddently it gives way to where there used to be a bit of barbed wire that is now rusting in pieces scattered along the ground. There were fresh tire tracks and a road coming in from Mexico and we new this was a popular drug run. We decided to come back and see if there was any action that night. Dave drove us in his truck a out to the spot and we saw a helicopter buzzing the area with search lights and 3 border patrol trucks and about 5 unmarked everyday trucks driving through the desert searching. We assumed these unmarked trucks were vigilantes because the drivers weren't dressed in uniform. We thought finally we'll get a picture of vigilantes capturing immagrants. Suddently every single truck in the vicinity raced toward the whole in the fence we'd discovered earlier that day. Dave gunned it and we followed them until we saw one of the vigilante cars on the side of the road about 200 yards from where all the action was happening. We figured its probably safer to pull over next to him and wait and see what goes down farther down the road. So as we pulled off the road the other driver was reaching for his gun. He was about to aim it at us when he shined a mag light in our faces and realized who we were. Turns out he was the same undercover cop I'd photographed at the Marijuana bust a few days before. He'd pulled off the road to fix a flat and was scared out his mind because Daves truck looked just like he drug runners truck. Soon another of his undercover buddies came back to help but before the guy with the flat could see the what truck it was he had already pulled an machine gun from out of his truck and had it aimed at the oncoming headlights. Soon we were surronded by about 5 undercover trucks and 6 cops all wearing bullet proof vests.Trying to change his tire as quickly as possible and get out of there. Dave went to go talk to them and they asked him what the heck we were doing out there. He told us how they get shot at all the time out there. People will just try to pick them off from behind the wall. Suddenly bullet proof vests seemed like a good idea. So we waited for them to change the flat and the police escorted us out of there. The adrenaline was fun but I can't believe how stupid we were not to realize that we look like a target out there. I have now realized that I am not cut out for war photography. Put me in a situation where I might get shot at and I'm out of there!

MaryJane1

2005-02-06T18:18:00.000-08:00

MaryJane1
Originally uploaded by ChrissyBarany.

Ever seen more than a thousand lbs of marijuana? Well I have! There's all kinds of illegal stuff crossing the border in Douglas.

On The Road Again

2005-02-04T11:46:00.000-08:00

Well my car works again thankfully. Its funny the key has a computer chip in it as a security function but its the thing that wouldn't let me start my car. Driving down here yesterday I had a lot of time to think. I got to thinking about how much pain I must cause God when I ignore him. I'm sure it hurts him when I sin too but before the fall of man God and Adam used to walk together in the garden. I know he still longs for me to love him like that. To spend time walking with him. I've heard this before but this time I really hear him calling me back to that relationship again.

Hand Crafted

2005-01-25T14:24:00.000-08:00

I thought it was an antiquated custom but my new neighbors had me over for dinner last Saturday so we could get to know each other. Rob and Beatrice are a lovely but unexpected couple. He works for border patrol and she is Mexican and somehow they share an affinity for Rock Climbing. Beatrice and Rob are engaged but she still technically lives across the border. She made the best lasange I've ever had and we watched a rock climbing video and chatted. Their cousin Zira was also there. She is the assistant to the mexican consolate. As soon as they new the photo story I was working on I had a border patrol agent a mexican friend who lived across the border and the assistant to the mexican consolate all offering me tips and advice and help meeting people. What more could a girl ask for?

So today I took Beatrice up on her offer to show me Agua Preita wich is the mexican city on the other side of the border. She drove me around and showed me the hotels where illegals congregate and hire guides to help them cross. She said its impossible to get a taxi for regular used in the city anymore as all the taxis are hired by these hotels to bring would be illegals to the hotel to stay the night.

The best part of the day was not photographing would be illegals before their trek it was visiting Beatrice's home and her father. He has to be the warmest most welcoming man I've met. His business is hand crafting jewelry. You see a picture of a piece you want and he'll make if for you. When he learned I was living alone he said I could join his family. He took us out for lunch at his good friends restaraunt and beamed at every mmmmm yummy noise I made. Then he let me take pictures while he melted gold and stretched it to make the links in a braclet. I think that man gave me more hugs and kisses than I've had in months! Then he gave me a beatiful silver and coral and turquise pendant. I've never gotten a gift like that made by someones own hands and a man I'd just met hours before none the less. Its hard to feel alone anywhere in the world when there are people like Beatrice and her father out there handcrafting a welcome for me.

my wireless world

2005-01-17T17:13:00.000-08:00

I found a wireless connection! Of course I have to sit in my car outside a cell phone store to use it but I have a connection to the world now!

Long Lasting Love

2005-01-16T14:52:00.000-08:00

Behing stained glass windows this morning I sang what a friend we have in Jesus led by a little old lady with a lovely falseto voice. It reminded me of the little old churches in the mountains of NY. I was one of 5 people without grey hair. Then one of the most seriously uplifting and charming things I've ever experienced happened. The pastor asked for prayer requests and praises. When Miriam stood up slowly and with a quiet voice obviously stunted by a stroke she said, "I want to praise God for my husband I love him." AT this the thin pale elderly man next her turned 3 shades of pink smiled wide and broke out into a deep hearty laugh. It was contagious and soon the somber little curch was struck by the giggles. He softly took her hand and helped her sit down as we all beamed. You could see the flirt in his eyes!

So I just have to join Miriam in praising the Lord for such a long lasting and wonderful couple. I want to be them!

I also have to say yeah for United Grace Methodist church for providing me with my second photo story. I'm going to be working with the pastor and few other visiting American missionaries to do a free dental medical clinic for those just across the border. I'm free to photograph that and all the other small things the church does for those in need in Mexico. They cross over almost daily to bring food and medical supplies. God is good.

edge of civilization

2005-01-15T10:49:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I finally met up with a Ranch owner willing to work on my photo story with me. Larry Vance sat me down in his livingroom next to his wife curled up with their dog and told me the border's history as he's lived it for the last 20 some years. I told him straight up that I needed pictures that show his interaction with illegal immagrants to show how it affects him personaly. He insisted that he didn't patrol his land (patroling has gotten a bad rap in the media). But after a few hours of talking he agreed to bring me along in his truck while he and a few of the other ranchers drive around their border land and call in illegal immagrants to the border patrol. Should be a fun and very cold night. Mr.and Mrs. Vance are more of those super friendly nice people I told you about. I show up on their doorstep after a long day of work and he spent a long time warning me about how to stay safe and where not to go. Now if my second story idea pans out this well I'll be rocking it.

Leaving the Vance's ranch I was driving down a dirt road back to the main highway when I drove up to a border patrol officer who'd caught 3 young girls in the desert scrub on the side of the road. They couldn't have been older than 17 but my guess is 15. I stopped to take pictures and the officer said I couldn't take pictures of people's faces. I heard him say that the girl in the middle sobbing into the lap of one of the others was 5-6 months pregnant. I guess she'd wanted to have her child in America. It was heartbreaking to listen to those girls sob, but at the same time I'm glad they were caught because between the three of them I only saw one half liter bottle of water. Too many people die that way in the desert. I snapped off 4 pics when his superior arrived and told me I couldn't take pictures until It'd been cleared with the public affairs officer. Just when I thought I'd learned how to deal with the police the BORDER PATROL puts up a fuss.

I'm off to civilization now. I was told by the Vances that if I drive an hour north to Seirra Vista there is ATT service up there and they can program my phone to work down here in Douglas minus the insane mexican roaming charges. Wish me luck because the trac phone I bought isn't working down here either. It really is the edge of the world. :)

I love AZ

2005-01-14T10:27:00.000-08:00

To anyone wondering about me I'm doing great. I've got an apartment in Douglas AZ until Feb. 22. I'm charmed out of my mind by these southern AZ mining towns. The old western buildings, the freaking friendly helpful people, and the fact that there is a mega walmart in the middle of all of it. I'm caught between past and present. I drove up to Bisbee last night to go grocery shopping and I swear it is straight out of a movie set. I'm going to write a whole blog on Bisbee next time I go up there because I think I'm in LOVE! The only problems I'm experiencing have to do with my cell phone. I'm so close to the border ATT thinks I'm in Mexico. So I had to get a pay as you go trac phone for the month. I should be recieving my new phone # within the next few hours. Please don't call me on my old line because the international roaming charges are a kick in the butt.

As far as friendly people go the first day I got here I was driving around looking for apartments. I stopped at a building to look for the rental office when a tenant parked next to me got out of his car and asked me if I needed help. He ended driving all over town while I followed him and showed me every rental in the city who owned it and how much they cost. Just to be nice. He'd been apartment hunting the month before and new all the great places. He even let me use his phone to call the landlords. Then I went to the post office and the postman immediately siad, "You're not from around here are you? Where are you from?" as he shook my hand. I can't believe he either knows the whole town or a stick out that badly. But he proceeded to welcome me to Douglas with excitement. Just a few examples of the niceness everywhere.

Nyssa and Savanah

2004-12-24T02:38:00.000-08:00

savanah2
Originally uploaded by ChrissyBarany.

Christmas Eve

2004-12-24T02:10:00.000-08:00

So baby Shamu was born a few days ago I'm so excited I'm going to Seaworld next week! I get to see baby shamu! Even more exciting is the birth of Savanah Grace Wood. Again I'm a bit slow about the news but my friend Wendy Wood just had a baby girl. I couldn't resist buying her little tights with lace on the butt. Sure wish they had those in adult sizes. Well Congrats to Wendy and her perfect little girl. Hope I get to do some babysitting in a couple months.

Technically its Christmas Eve and to celebrate I'm getting myself DSL. No more dial up connections and busy signals for me. I know I'm slow on the up take but I'm making progress now. I've never seen so many bored and clueless men in the mall before. I wasn't shopping. I just went to the mall to walk and get out of the house and it was funny just to watch how unhappy people are to buy presents for others. The line in Bath and Body works was outrageous!

Christmas is upon us... flee the mall...

Weight of the World

2004-12-19T01:27:00.000-08:00

To anyone who may read this I need some prayer tonight. I feel under attack lately. Satan knows every last weakness I have and has left me with no peace. He keeps telling me the wieght of the world is on my shoulders because he knows I'll try to carry it alone.Thats not to say I'm doing anything incredibly important lately but I can't sleep well anymore because even in my dreams I have to save everyone from genocide, murderers, and the like. Its just that I need to give up the reigns in my life. Pray that I'll let God take control because the stress of this power struggle makes me take runs at 1:30 in the morning, attack trees, and lose sleep. There is something satisfying however about running past a bunch of drunks stumbling home on a Saturday night.

The Tree

2004-12-17T17:44:00.000-08:00

I attacked the tree on my front porch today. With all the wind lately its been blowing back and forth in its little pot like it was about to blow over. I finally got so fed up with it I went out there with a ladder and a pair of scissors and attacked it. I just kept cutting at it and breaking off branches until my fingers were bleeding and and my head and arms were covered in sticky itchy white sap. I don't know what kind of built up tension I had but nothing ever felt so good and so painful at the same time as tearing apart my tree. Its half the size now as it was before and I have itchy red poison ivy style spots up and down my arms and I couldn't be prouder.

Closer

2004-12-14T22:23:00.000-08:00

I wondered why the title of the movie was Closer until I saw it. Now I think maybe it means the movie is supposed to be closer to real life or non Hollywood than other movies. That could just be my opinion but I sure hope real life isn't like that. You see I haven't had my soul completely crushed yet. I still believe life is supposed to be great and love will be everlasting. I don't want to believe Closer and think real life is people floating from one "love" to the next looking for the newest thrill. I don't want to believe that love is completely selfish. I've said it before but I refuse to believe that divorce is ever an option. My review of Closer is that it wants to crush the soul so don't let it have yours! But I do have to say that there is a rather funny instant chat scene in it. Who knew you could learn words that aren't in the dictionary.

A Little Update

2004-12-14T02:52:00.000-08:00

I figured it was time for a little update. Now if I could just figure out how to get my 100 things list back on my site I'd be content. I wore a platinum blond wig to the mall on Saturday because the middle school kids I work with were doing a staff hunt at the mall. Their goal was to find me so I tried not to look like me. The result is that I learned men like platinum blondes. I got hit on/ stared at more in one day than I did in the last month. Its enough to make me dye my hair brown.

2004-12-08T22:59:00.000-08:00

Praise the Lord! I'm going to Bosnia at the end of April. I've been so excited to share with the gypsy kids there how much God loves them. Only I've been wondering how I'll ever have enough money to pay for this trip. I printed out prayer letters yesterday and was going to share them with the people I volunteer with tonight but forgot to bring them. Without even having the letters with me two of the people I volunteer with asked if they could help support me! I just can't help but say thank you Jesus. I'm learning not to doubt you. Its so encouraging to know other people see that you can use me.

2004-12-07T01:22:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here thinking about motivation tonight. Trying to pick apart where my motivation or lack there of comes from. I think apathy is the devils best friend. Its not a new idea. We've all heard that idle hands are the devils playground. I'm starting to literally hear the battle in my head lately. As I get out of bed and reset my alarm a little voice says one more hour won't hurt anyone. As I switch on the tv I rationalize I'll just watch part of a show while I eat but I end up sitting there for hours. As I keep putting off my homework and the photos I could be taking. Something inside me wants to be great. To live up to my full potenial again. I know I'm capable of functioning on 6 hours of sleep. I know I'm capable of running 5 miles. I know I'm capable of performing on stage. I know I'm capable of taking amazing photos. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Only I guess I don't have enough faith to claim that promise because somehow I'm letting Satan lure me into apathy.

2004-12-03T03:07:00.000-08:00

Oh to be my own mountain
to understand the vastness of the world
secure upon my proud rock.

Oh to be my own well
to sustain my life and
quench my cracked depths

Oh to be my own lifes breath
to push and blow never still
my motivation to soar above all

Woe I am my own hole
a cavern needing you to be
my mountain, my well, my wind, my soul

2004-12-03T01:40:00.000-08:00

I'm sad I just finished a great book. "I Know This Much is True" I love when you get immersed in a books world. Your imagination running nonstop. You create the characters faces, how their apartments look, what type of clothes they wear. I couldn't put this book down and now I feel sad that its over. Sad that I have to admit that dreamland never existed. I either need a new book or I need to get a life.

2004-11-25T01:41:00.000-08:00

Well since its early in the morning its officially thanksgiving. What am I thankful for? I'm thankful that I have 4 options of where to eat this Thanksgiving! People have been so nice about inviting me and then of course there is my family. Maybe I'll just go to the three local meals and pretend I didn't eat already... then I can pig out. I'm also thankful that I get to serve the Lord in Bosnia this May. I can't wait to go and learn more about the Roma people and share God's love with them. (If anyone wants to know more about this trip please email me and I'll tell you more.) I'm thankful that I finally cleaned my bathroom and I'm not scared of it anymore. Enjoy your turkey everyone.

2004-11-20T01:40:00.000-08:00

I made a mug today on my pottery wheel. I'm one dish closer to finishing my list of 100 things to do before I die. I've decided what # 70 is going to be. The seventieth thing I have to do before I die is photograph a wedding. Weddings are a huge fear of mine. All the other events I've shot images at I'm surronded by other photographers. There is always someone there to get the image if I mess up. I'm deathly afraid to shoot a wedding because there is no second chance no leway... you have to get it right. So in an effort to challenge myself and get over my fear of messing up I want to shoot a wedding. Any takers?

2004-11-18T01:11:00.000-08:00

"God's happiness consists in enjoying and rejoicing in himself; so does also the creture's happiness. it is a participation in what is in God, and God and his glory are the objective ground of it. The happiness of the creature consists in rejoicing in God, by which also God is magnified and exalted." -Jonathan Edwards.

"Not unto us, not unto us, O Jehovah, but to they name give glory (ps. 115:1)"

So it seems when I'm dissatisfied I should look to see who I seek to glorify myself or God.

2004-11-17T02:30:00.000-08:00

"Live a life less ordinary, live a life extrodinary with me.
Live a life less sedintary live a life evelutionary with me.
Well I hate to be a bother but its you and there's no other I do believe.
You can call me niave, but I know me very well, at least as far as I can tell and I know what I need."

-life less ordinary by: carbon leaf

Ok so I've made myself a few more promises. Call them new years resolutions a little early. No more swearing. It seems so harmless until you see the shock in someones face and realize its still a stumbling block for some Christians and I don't want to be that stumbling block. Promise 2, no more sleeping past 10:00am. I'm going to force myself to go to bed at a normal time! After tonight that is...

2004-11-14T23:20:00.000-08:00

Clouded wanderings
and comings home
are muddying the light I know
is obscured by my routine.

2004-07-02T21:53:00.000-07:00

Sorry to end this to anyone who may still read this site. The thing is I got busy and maybe I got over the need to make my life so exposed but I'll just be keeping a regular journal now. It's been fun. -Chrissy

2004-04-30T00:47:00.000-07:00

Now I remember why I call Amber my best friend. Its those things you can't tell anyone else for fear of judgment that set best friends apart.

2004-04-27T19:58:00.000-07:00

I'm so bored right now I actually wish I could go back to school and sit in front of a computer for 8 hours a day.

2004-04-14T00:31:00.000-07:00

oops published the same post twice anyone know how to erase?

2004-04-14T00:23:00.000-07:00

This is how it is

Somewhere between Mombao and here
is my pasts predicted future clouded,
not clear, what I'm waiting for
Or what I fear.
Burning hollow my fuel is more.
Is it greener there, or is more here?

2004-04-06T11:11:00.000-07:00

Ok I know I always say this but I'm so gonna find a way to put this last project up on here because you guys have to see my neighbor... RanDiva. We did this 3 minute interview on him for the Documentary film class I'm in and this is one Amazing guy!

Can't wait to see all my high school friends over in NC for easter. It's going to be a mini reunion. It's hard to believe its been 4 years since I've graduated from highschool. Aside from buying my own groceries and finally figuring out what school to go to I really don't feel like I've acomplished that much. I've heard so many times from a good friend (Hak) that life happens in stages. The childhood stage, the highschool stage, the college stage, and then adulthood/marriage, but I don't know if i buy it. Because right now I feel a little bit like a highschooler and just a littel grown up. If you could put yourself on a life timeline what point/s are you at.

2004-04-01T11:07:00.000-08:00

Go see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It's an amazing film. The wierdest thing happened to me when I was watching it. I started recognizing everything that Kate Winslets character, Clementine, had to say. I couldn't figure out where I had heard it before and then I realized that my acting coach had given me the script to act out with a partner in class. So I had memorized about 5 minutes of Clementines part about 8 months before this movie ever came out. It was so fun to see how it should have been done after I messed it up.

I know my last question was about movies, but if you could have the life of any movie character whose would it be? I think I'd be Anne of Green Gables. Shes so freaking dramatic I think it would be fun to recite "the lady of Shalot" while drifting away in a boat and people could actually take me seriously. She's great!

2004-03-08T22:43:00.000-08:00

I think it would be a good idea if everyone did what they do in church after the first round of hymns. Turn around and shake hands with a stranger.

2004-02-24T16:07:00.000-08:00

I'm so fed up with Ventura, California, America. I don't know if my discontent is a symptom of my restlessness or the other way around. Or maybe I'm just sick of money. There is way to much of it changing hands around here and I think half of it is going into the gas tank of my school presidents BMW. I'm sick of TV and commercials that tell me "its not more than you need its just more than you're used to." I'm soooo sick of photoshop. Hak, I'm sorry but I feel like spending spring break in a tent near a stream with a journal and some beef jerky. Don't worry though I won't follow through with it. I'm really scared of bears and the dark.

2004-02-23T20:47:00.000-08:00

I actually learned how to use photoshop to put my pictures into a website. I'm so excited now I can put a link up to my photo site and anyone who still reads this can look at what I've been working on the last few years.

Spring break starts for me on Wednesday. I'll be free and ready to recieve any calls that may come my way! Call me.

2004-02-12T02:02:00.000-08:00

Photoshop, oh photoshop,
Your tool bar is limitless,
Your options endless,
Your creativity boundless,
and your ability to suck the life out of me overpowering.

The giant gap in my writings is due to the trip to Uganda and the massive amounts of photoshop homework I've been doing. Although I can say I have a newfound respect for computer programmers. How'd you do it guys? I swear photoshop works miricles.

2003-11-04T01:21:00.000-08:00

Ok so she's not anally clean thanks for the support c-4. I think Lauren (my new roomate) and I will get along just fine. I did my annual,call lots of people I haven't talked to in a while, phone session today and learned a few things I really wish I hadn't. First one of my friends who just got married is already having a baby. She's probably very happy but to me it just signals the loss of another one to that world of adults that I want nothing to do with. I also learned that investment banking is a hard career to break into. But I've got a soft bed and comforting deep red walls to sooth me to sleep so I'm foregetting the hectic world of investment banking and going to bed.

2003-10-31T01:51:00.000-08:00

Oh please oh please don't let my new roomate be anally clean. I never met this girl, so I'm going out on a limb here. More than living in a pig pen I fear the anally clean. You know those people who's houses feel more like a hospital than a home. Or your rich aunts house where no one is allowed to sit on the guest furniture. She can be bitter, cruel, maybe even a drug addict as long as she likes a lived in home. Fingers crossed everyone.

2003-10-23T13:01:00.000-07:00

Sorry Tom school is what happened. But I have one final left and I feel the wieght being lifted. My biggest news is that I'm flying to Kampala for Christmas. It's going to be a heck of a flight by way of New York, London, Dubai, and Entebbe but I'll get there. I really did go out and celebrate my birthday this year. I didn't make it to vegas but went to Nichelby's (club with live banc and techno room) A good time was had by all and there was definate celebration. So I'm officially 22 now. I saw myself on that new tv show SKIN Monday night. I'd forgotten that I'd even done that show and now that I saw the first episode I wish I hadn't.

Best news in my neck of the woods is that I finally found a church I like. I don't think I've ever really felt at home anywhere without a church family. So I'm really excited about this. Ok enough boring news from me.... back to my daily routine. -later

2003-10-15T01:08:00.000-07:00

I'm actualy going to get to Uganda for Christmas this year. It is a long trip by way of los angeles, london, Dubai, and Entebbe but I'll be exhausted and loving it. I can't wait to see my family!!!!!

2003-10-05T03:15:00.000-07:00

I sure am glad my life is not in my own hands or I'm sure I'd be dead by now. Good watching out God.

2003-09-30T02:27:00.000-07:00

If you saw a life size concrete blue whale being driven down a local street what would the expression on your face look like? I love photojournalism. If it weren't assigned to shoot this for my internship I'd probably live my whole life without seeing a blue whale with a wide load sign on it ass.

2003-09-26T22:04:00.000-07:00

The fog floating through my heavy head
Is an olive haze overcome by your sillouhette
You are shadows, a presence undefined
Always there, never focused in my mind.

Couldn't I please just have me?
Without your great green memory.

2003-09-26T01:18:00.000-07:00

John Mayer is not just talented he's hot.

I watched this show tonight about this woman who reinvented hereself about 5 times and each time as a teenager in a different city with a different name. So here she was 30 years old going to highschool living with foster parents. Her poor boyfriend was making out with someone twice his age. I'm so glad now that I made the decision to move on with my life and embrace being grown up. Looking at that woman's life just reconfirms how absurd it is to wish you could stay young forever.

2003-09-24T00:51:00.000-07:00

Jessica Simpson makes me feel smart. She was offered buffolo wings and said no thanks I don't eat buffolo. People laughed and then realized she was serious. So then someone told her its chicken you idiot to which she replied really? Another intelligent person said yes they call them buffolo wings because the sauce on them origanated in Buffolo. Jessica stares blankly until somone comments didn't you ever think about the fact that buffolo don't have wings? Jessica says oh yeah I guess I never thought about that.

2003-09-22T03:05:00.000-07:00

This is the third and final time I'm writing this. If blogger screws up again the world will never know my joy. Here is the condensed version.......

Yesterday I met a man who fulfills every qualification I've ever looked for in a guy. It's not worth mentioning his name, or what my qualifications are because its not like I think he's the one for me, or even that I want to date him. But bless his heart he has restored my faith in men. It's so freeing to know that I haven't been searching for something that doesn't exist.
Knowing that perfect men exist got me thinking what other things did I previously believe were unobtainable. Have I just been sitting on my ass letting the best things in life pass me by because I thought they were just illusions. I feel like every other successful person in the world must feel. I feel like I can do anything I want to. So I'm dropping the wieght. I'm getting a real job. I'm going to take the photojournalism world by storm. I'm going to work hard at becoming a better actress. Most of all I'm going to love God and life with passion.
Ahhhhh....... exhale.
Thank you my friend, though I know you won't read this, for being you and giving me the spark I needed to remember what it feels like to believe in myself.
I'm such a soap opera.

2003-09-20T01:42:00.000-07:00

I'm utterly depressed that I'm going to be 22 next month. I feel the onset of mid life crisis and I've only lived a quarter of my life. Seems to me that its all down hill from here. I wonder how I'll ever live a fulfilling life with this attitude. In fact I know I won'tlive a fulfilling life with this attitude. So its time for things to change. #70 on my list of things to do before I die is going to be to celebrate my getting older. I've decided on my birthdays from now on instead of being depressed I'm going to party like no other day of the year. Starting next month with my 22nd. Any ideas people? Hmmmm anyone wanna go to Vegas???? yeah Vegas!

2003-08-30T20:09:00.000-07:00

With all the people who have faith in me I wish I could believe in myself. Maybe then I wouldn't be so scared of letting them all down.

2003-07-01T03:15:00.000-07:00

Ok so its been a while since I wrote but I'm packing and getting ready to move. I've been wondering lately how will it be to live on my own. Ok seriously, I like to be by myself a lot. I don't have to be the center of attention but I've never lived completely alone before. Will I freak out and start acting like Jack Nickleson in the Shining. Any advice??? I think pretty much anyone who reads my blog lives in a dorm. So I what I really want to know is moving from a dorm to living alone in an apartment how would you maintain the same amount of social contact? How do you avoid cabin fever? Help..........

2003-06-12T16:35:00.000-07:00

Oh my gosh I've been so out of touch. Sorry to anyone who actually read this blog regularly. My internet didn't work for a long time there.
I'm moving! To Ventura :( I've never really been a big fan of Ventura but I'm going there for school and in two and a half more years I'll come out as a photojournalist. Finally getting a degree, now that is the part I'm excited about. I'm sure my parents wish that I'd figured this out 3 years and $40,000 ago but I'm positive now. For at least the first ten years of my life I'm going to try this photography thing.
I'm so lucky my parents haven't shot me yet for being so indecisive.

2003-04-21T00:16:00.000-07:00

Last couple days have been great! I've been doing all the little things that make life so great. Like hiking in the national park and setting up a hammock over the river just to listen to the water flowing beneath me. Then I met Dan who had an extra fishing pole so we waded around in the icy water trying to catch some rainbow trout. The funny thing is the trout don't live there they just get dumped there once a week by a local hatchery so people can fish. I think we got there the day before they resupply the place cause they just weren't biting. So I fished, flirted and played in the water.

Then today for Easter Nicole(my roomate) and woke up at her Grandma Hazel's house were we ate a lot of sugery things from our easter baskets, picked oranges off the tree in the backyard, gave her 20 year old dog a hair cut and ate steak for lunch. I also discovered a bookshelf in the closet full of old books from the 1800's. Intrested Mark? Well they were beautiful. There was Wadsworth Longfellow, Thomas Moore, and shelves of more books.

Then on the drive home Nicole and I, possibly the two worst singers in the world screeched along with the Nirvana cd on the stereo for an hour or two. "My girl my girl don't lie to me tell me where did you sleep last night?" What a wonderful weekend.

2003-04-13T23:06:00.000-07:00

"Cause its always raining in my head.... forget all the things I should have said." -Staind, Epiphany

Growing up I had a great example so I always believed love isn't just a high, its not a selfish emotion, and despite what they may teach you in movie land romantic love is not something you should seek out at all costs. Sometimes the cost is too high. When asked what the greatest commandments were Jesus said Love the Lord your God with all your heart soul and mind and love your nieghbor as yourself. So where in the world did we get this silly notion that finding a mate of the opposite sex is the highest goal when it comes to love. Too often I've seen family, friends, ministries, and love for God shoved off to the side in the search for that perfect person. It baffles me how people think this is justified. There has to be a reason Jesus didn't say "Look for love in a significant other with all your heart soul and mind." It makes sense that when we learn to love God, and show our love for our neighbors then our hearts are ready for the rich, giddy, emotional romantic love. Just don't forget the rank God, nieghbors, romantic partner.

2003-04-08T22:32:00.000-07:00

Everyone go to your nearest Indi film theater and see stone reader.

Craps.... is a beautiful game. I had never gambled until last weekend. When I went to Sacremento for a journalism conference with my school. On the last night we had a casino night. I went to the craps table and asked the guy running it how do you play this game. He gave me some simple directions and I learned as I went. I ended up winning $1230 off of an initial $250. True... it was fake money. But if I had really been in Vegas at a real casino I would have been rolling in the dough. There is an bond between people at a craps table because we're all on one team, and counting on the same guy to role the dice and win for us. Instant friendship and instant money all in one game. I'm afraid this is the harmless beginning to a serious addiction.

2003-03-29T22:59:00.000-08:00

I'mbbbb sick :(

2003-03-27T00:39:00.000-08:00

Ok apparently every actor smokes. Its like a prerequisite to joining the screen actors guild. I'm not talking a fashionable puff here and there. Its more like CUT........ inhale pack....... ACTION.......CUT....... inhale second pack......... etc. Now I know why their all emmaciated. They don't eat, they smoke. I was particullarly disapointed with Christina Ricci. She's been one of my favorite actresses ever since casper the friendly ghost. We have so much in common. We both are 5'2, named Christina, and have round faces. The only difference is Christina Ricci smokes like cigarettes are free and she's kissed Johny Depp.

I'm so low on laundry that I wore my varsity field hockey jersey to class today. I wonder if anyone even knows what field hockey is out here on the west coast. My shins sure know what field hockey is. I have permanent bumps on my shins from being wacked at for 4 years. Those field hockey girls are brutal.

2003-03-23T20:58:00.000-08:00

People despise me because I'm a martyr without a cause.

2003-03-22T20:40:00.000-08:00

I have a farmers tan. I can feel the hick seeping into my skin.

So I've got a question for you all. Lets just say you happen to be in a place where you witness a petty crime. No one is being injured. Its a robbery.

A)Do you walk past and say "that'll suck when that guy finds out his _____ is missing."

B)Wish you could stop the robbery but wonder if maybe you shouldn't be a tattle tale.

C)Call the police and help them catch the robber.

D) Figure the theif probably needs that ______ more than the guy he's steeling from I'll leave him alone.

2003-03-21T02:04:00.000-08:00

Making a sandwich is an art. If you don't put at least an inch of marshmallow fluff on there to balance out the sticky peanut butter then you've spread yourself to thin. Thats how I feel right now. I'm dabbling in a little of everything and its sticking to the roof of my mouth.

Another roomate ran screaming from the Barany/Ryan household. I got home from school, and MY FIRST REAL LIVE FREELANCE PHOTO JOB, to find Jon was gone. His closet was empty except for a lonely can of axe deoderant spray. I know its a failed relationship, not Nicole or I, that caused him to run but still I can't help but wonder why Nicole and I can't keep a roomate. Good luck Jon. Hope you have a better life without her.

2003-03-16T23:35:00.000-08:00

Buy a map of the world, a cork board and some of those sewing pins that have colored balls on the end of them. Tack the map up to the cork board and put the pins in all the cities you've spent time in. Close your eyes and run your fingertips over the little bumps that make up your world. Its like heaven on earth.